| The underlying basis of all addictions - and alcohol | | | | pain of leaving would be worse than the pain of |
| is no exception - is the avoidance of pain. While | | | | staying - that she would end up feeling even |
| there is evidence that some people have genetic | | | | lonelier. |
| and biological predispositions toward alcoholism, not | | | | Gwen tried to learn to speak up for herself, but |
| all people with these predispositions abuse alcohol | | | | this only brought more abuse. From Gwen's point |
| or become alcohol dependent. Many people who | | | | of view, there was no way out other than to |
| join AA learn to deal with their painful emotions | | | | numb the pain through drinking. |
| without the use of alcohol, regardless of their | | | | As long as Gwen believed that she could be okay |
| genetic predisposition. | | | | only though the approval of others, she remained |
| What if you are a person who wants to stop | | | | stuck and unable to stop drinking. But Gwen |
| drinking, who has tried AA and treatment | | | | decided to get some help in learning how to take |
| programs, and just can't stop? What might be | | | | loving care of herself. |
| happening here? | | | | Gwen grew up being the good girl in her family, |
| Often, the pain you want avoid is the pain of | | | | the person who looked after everyone else's |
| loneliness and inner aloneness. The aloneness is | | | | feelings and needs. She learned well to ignore her |
| caused by inner disconnection, and the loneliness is | | | | own feelings and needs. When she started |
| caused by not connecting with others. | | | | counseling with me, she actually had no idea why |
| Sometimes, the situation you are in is extremely | | | | she drank. |
| lonely and painful; yet leaving the situation might | | | | As Gwen started to tune into her own feelings |
| seem even more painful. | | | | and learned to connect with a spiritual Source of |
| For example, Gwen married a man she thought | | | | love and comfort, she realized that keeping |
| was kind and caring. But after they had a child | | | | herself and her children in an abusive situation was |
| and experienced financial stress, he became | | | | not loving to anyone. She asked her husband to |
| verbally abusive to her and to the children. Alcohol | | | | join her in counseling, but he refused. Mustering |
| had always been a part of her life, but she | | | | her courage, she left her husband - and |
| started to abuse it when the pain and stress of | | | | discovered that her family was actually relieved |
| her marriage became too great for her to handle. | | | | for her! They had been very worried about her, |
| Due to her fear of her family's judgment and her | | | | but had not wanted to interfere. |
| two children, Gwen did not want to leave her | | | | When Gwen no longer felt trapped and |
| marriage. | | | | suffocated, her desire to drink went away. She |
| Gwen felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. | | | | was so excited to be able to be herself. "I just |
| If she stayed, she would need to continue to be | | | | couldn't be myself with Sam. No matter what I |
| at the other end of her controlling, angry, needy, | | | | did, it was wrong, unless I did exactly what he |
| blaming, judgmental husband. Gwen felt extremely | | | | wanted me to do. It is such a relief to be able to |
| lonely with him and suffocated by him - feeling like | | | | just be myself. And my children actually seem |
| she had to tow the line and do what he wanted | | | | happier too. They are so happy to have me back |
| or be at the other end of his rage. Whenever he | | | | rather than numbed out with alcohol." |
| would attack her with his anger and criticism, she | | | | If you want to stop drinking and can't, you might |
| would overtly give in, but covertly numb out and | | | | want to look closely at what you would need to |
| resist him with her drinking. Her husband, Sam, | | | | do to change your situation so that you no longer |
| hated her drinking, and would become even more | | | | need to drink to avoid pain. |
| controlling. But for Gwen, drinking was the only | | | | Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and |
| way she knew to survive the pain of his insults | | | | co-authorof eight books, including "Do I Have To |
| while finding some way to resist his control. Not | | | | Give Up Me To Be |
| knowing how to take care of herself with her | | | | Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." |
| husband, she gave herself up, creating the inner | | | | She is theco-creator of the powerful Inner |
| aloneness. | | | | Bonding healing process. |
| If she left, she believed she would need to face | | | | Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her website for a |
| the anger and judgment of her parents and | | | | FREE |
| siblings. No one in her family had ever been | | | | Inner Bonding course: or email her at Phone |
| divorced. Gwen was terrified of being outcast | | | | sessionsavailable. |
| from her family of origin. She believed that the | | | | |