| Drug dealer. Such a profound term. One
| |
| | apartment?" I asked, "Sure, like I don't
|
| who deals in drugs. Not only the
| |
| | get enough attention by the cops. Now
|
| selling, but often the trading, using,
| |
| | I'll have a corpse on my floor.""I have
|
| and producing. It's not just some
| |
| | $600," she said."It might be possible," I
|
| homeless guy on the side of the road
| |
| | said, as I scratched my chin.We walked
|
| trying to sell crack for some drug lord,
| |
| | back to my room. "Put the money on the
|
| just so he can have a place to sleep.
| |
| | table," I said, "I have to make a phone
|
| Nowadays, it's some 17 year old punk,
| |
| | call." She did as I asked."Hey, Johnny,"
|
| carrying a book of acid and a pound of
| |
| | I said on the phone, "What's up, man?
|
| weed, all wrapped up in tin foil and
| |
| | Hey, you think you can help me move a
|
| plastic, and at home, his bathtub is full
| |
| | body? Yeah, I know the normal fee.
|
| of sugar, water, 50 mashed organges, and
| |
| | Sure, sure, come later tonight. Peace,
|
| 10 packets of yeast. Ask him about it
| |
| | brother.""Can I ask why you're doing
|
| and he'll say, "Technically, it's still
| |
| | this?" I said, as I picked up the
|
| alive when I drink it, but I just pour
| |
| | money."Several parts of my life are a
|
| more water in there when it starts to run
| |
| | mess," she said, "Bad parents, bad
|
| low, and it's like a Jesus: turning water
| |
| | boyfriend," she grinned at me with some
|
| to wine, just on a slower and less
| |
| | wit."Hey," I said, "Don't get cute on me.
|
| tasteful method." He'll have a repetoir
| |
| | After all, I do have to kill you." She
|
| of legal and illegal highs, ways to dodge
| |
| | nodded with a smile and I started
|
| prosecution or arrest when police
| |
| | counting the cash. "So, really, why are
|
| inquire. "What? You found a meth pipe?
| |
| | you doing this?""The reasons are my own
|
| Oh, my god... Are you serious? That's
| |
| | and my own to --""Hey, there's only $450
|
| what he was doing. Oh, man. My friend
| |
| | here," I saidd, looking up, "Where's the
|
| was with my bag. That fuckhead must have
| |
| | other $150?""That's all I have," she
|
| put it there." Five hours detainment
| |
| | said, "It's everything."I had to make a
|
| while your body is dehydrating from the
| |
| | decision. Help her die or let her go
|
| speed, and then you're a free man.
| |
| | with her cash. As a drug dealer, it
|
| Everyday was walking on a tightrope of
| |
| | decently pisses me off that someone says
|
| the law. In a pill or a bag, I am
| |
| | they have cash for something but end up
|
| holding a piece of heaven that lasts 8
| |
| | not having it, or having half. Sometimes
|
| hours. One day, I make $170, the second
| |
| | they offer the argument that they'll get
|
| day, I hop two fences after making a $20.
| |
| | me back, but that's bullshit. They're
|
| We're living on the fringes of poverty
| |
| | addicted to a substance they can get from
|
| in the ghetto, struggling to make a
| |
| | anyone. The next five dollars to hit
|
| living. I guess I provide a rather
| |
| | their palm will go to another dealer, not
|
| important industry. I help people forget
| |
| | to pay debts. Unlike these people, this
|
| they are here.It is not uncommon. One
| |
| | girl couldn't do that. She was not going
|
| day, I am facing someone who gives me
| |
| | to be around next week."Well, fine," I
|
| their last $25. Maybe they intended for
| |
| | said, "I suppose we can still do this...
|
| it, but their next four hours were their
| |
| | Sit on the bed." I sat down at my desk
|
| last. And as much as I felt that I was a
| |
| | and pulled a coffee filter out of the
|
| slave to this system, I felt free, too.
| |
| | trash can, and opened it on my desk. It
|
| Free of starvation, free of bruttish
| |
| | was ful lof a wet, green powder."What's
|
| conditions. Yes, I have been shot at by
| |
| | that?" she asked, trying to look over my
|
| cops and other dealers. One time, four
| |
| | shoulder."It's a toxin byproduct that
|
| kids tried to jump me for my shit. I had
| |
| | comes from making high grade
|
| to stab one to get them to realize that I
| |
| | methamphetamine," I said, as I started to
|
| wasn't a push over. As dangerous as it
| |
| | fill the gelcaps with it, "It's not
|
| was, I had a life. I had a living. I
| |
| | painful, unlike most toxins, but it is by
|
| could survive in this horrible place,
| |
| | far more lethal." I started to fill some
|
| wracked with misery as much as it was.
| |
| | with basil, which helps stomach
|
| And, honestly, I called it a home. There
| |
| | digestion."Are these band lyrics?" she
|
| is something prophetically human about
| |
| | asked, referring to the paper on the
|
| this profession. A friend of mine was on
| |
| | wall.I turned around, "Those? No...
|
| a bad acid trip. He kept shaking. I let
| |
| | They're nineteenth century poems." I
|
| him stay in my room. He kept talking
| |
| | went back to filling pills."They're
|
| about police, not making much sense. I
| |
| | beautiful," she said, "I enjoyed this one
|
| gave him a blanket and put on soothing
| |
| | about love at first sight.""Yeah, it
|
| music. Next morning, I found out thath
| |
| | mocked the concept of it and then talked
|
| someone tried to burn down a department
| |
| | about loving someone after knowing them,"
|
| store, what cops called, "seemingly from
| |
| | I replied."Yeah," she said, "I get it. I
|
| a drug user." I remember holding his
| |
| | was curious as to what kind of band would
|
| shaking hand, kneeling down to him.
| |
| | sing a song like that.""That's the
|
| "It's gonna be okay," I said, "Don't
| |
| | thing," I said, "None would. Or at
|
| worry about it, you're safe here." He
| |
| | least, almost none.""And what's this?"
|
| sort of calmed down and I let him stay.
| |
| | she asked."That?" I said turning around,
|
| I suppose I also harbored a criminal, but
| |
| | "It's a painting of a face, using only
|
| that never bothered me. I have my own
| |
| | red and black paint. I paid two hits of
|
| definition of legal and illegal.The kids
| |
| | acid for it. I would have paid more,
|
| or old wash up junkies I sell to, they
| |
| | because it's just so beautiful.""Mmmmm,"
|
| are hardly stereotypical. I have seen
| |
| | she replied, "It is nice." With her
|
| couples come to me, and say that they
| |
| | affection toward the painting, she had
|
| want ecstacy, something to increase their
| |
| | thrown a smile in my direction. I could
|
| love for each other and experience it
| |
| | see that she was rational and logical in
|
| through new channels. They were young
| |
| | her decision of suicide. She wasn't in
|
| and poor, but they still had more than
| |
| | tears. She wasn't broken in pieces. She
|
| many others. I've had junkies come up to
| |
| | was very much together, or very effective
|
| me for a fix of meth so they could be up
| |
| | in subtly convincing me of this.I walked
|
| for a fourth day. Burnt out, shaking,
| |
| | over to the bed and handed her four
|
| destroyed body, otherwise dysfunctional
| |
| | pills. "I'll get you a glass of water, I
|
| brain, and worst of all, coming down and
| |
| | said, "Mostly, I tell my customers not to
|
| in tears, "Please, please, just give me
| |
| | take it all at ancoe, but that is
|
| some tweak..." Begging with their last
| |
| | pricesly what I am telling you now." She
|
| dolars. I sold to him of course. He had
| |
| | swallowed the pills, two at a time, with
|
| cash. And, as much as I would love to be
| |
| | the aid of water."What's your name?" I
|
| able to give it away for free, I need to
| |
| | asked her."Julia," she said, "But most
|
| survive myself. Twelve year old street
| |
| | people call me Julee.""Well," I said, "My
|
| urchins come up to me and ask to buy LSD,
| |
| | name is Caley." I had to tell her,
|
| handicapped men on Social Security ask me
| |
| | because I felt like she wouldn't
|
| for Codeine. Artists and Musicians flock
| |
| | ask."It'll only be 30 to 60 minutes,
|
| to buy absinthe, and they finish off a
| |
| | before you're gone," I told her."Why did
|
| bottle and stay up to 6 AM talking on a
| |
| | you get into this business?" she
|
| city bench, flesh turned to fucking ice,
| |
| | asked."Well," I said, "It's easier cash,
|
| drinking a cup of coffee that has been
| |
| | it requires little work, I am always well
|
| empty for the past forty five minutes.I
| |
| | stocked in my favorite commodities, and
|
| suppose by now, it is obvious to tell
| |
| | I'm not on the brink of poverty. Why?""I
|
| that I have a particularly keen
| |
| | guess I always just wanted to know," she
|
| observation of my environment. Unlike
| |
| | replied."So, how was your day?" I asked,
|
| other deals, I don't spend my profit on a
| |
| | a bit uncomfortable with the overall
|
| new pimping car or a mansion -- and the
| |
| | situation."It's getting better," she
|
| only dealers who could get that are coke
| |
| | replied, "And your own?""Oh, it's doing
|
| lords and heroin merchants. The rest are
| |
| | all right, "I said, "Making money..."A
|
| on the fringes of poverty. One of my
| |
| | slow silence befell the room for thirty
|
| hobbies, I can confess that I love the
| |
| | seconds as we exchanged glances
|
| beauty of the human face. It may seem
| |
| | occasionally, myself somewhat
|
| like a fickle or otherwise shallow
| |
| | uncomfortable still, she somewhat uneasy,
|
| enjoyment. I look to the face of a girl
| |
| | I imagine. A car outside blowing Mexican
|
| walking down the street, see a smile, and
| |
| | rap music goes by with a bad engine.
|
| as I feel my entrepenurial spirit
| |
| | Cluttered feet trample by with a mix of
|
| crushed, I find something beautiful and
| |
| | foreign languages. Her eyes look down
|
| unique. Some homeless child struggles
| |
| | and then are brought up to mine. As
|
| for warmth on a city bench, his face with
| |
| | little as I know about her, I feel sure
|
| a stone-cold expression, as he pulls a
| |
| | enough that she spoke with more subtle
|
| hood over his face, with little eyes
| |
| | ocnfidence that second than aty any other
|
| peering at me. In some other life, my
| |
| | moment of her life. "I've led a good
|
| current one completely forgotten, I
| |
| | life.""Then why end it this way?" I
|
| imagine I would be an artist. I am not
| |
| | asked, as the curosity of the homo sapien
|
| one now, but I remember during my last
| |
| | nature urked my spirit.She shrugged."That
|
| year of school my art class (apparently
| |
| | doesn't seem like you're confident in
|
| 8th grade). One student was exceptional,
| |
| | your reasons," I said."No, it's not
|
| and the teacher allowed him to do as he
| |
| | that," she replied, almost in a faded
|
| pleased. He used flint, charcoal, a
| |
| | tone, as though the poisons had sapped
|
| variety of inks and paints. On those
| |
| | away her soul before it took her body,
|
| solemn nights as I try to fall victim to
| |
| | "It's just that I don't want to, or need
|
| sleep's claws, I fantasize using the
| |
| | to, talk abou tit... I assure you it
|
| complex tools of art to capture the smile
| |
| | exists, but I'm not bringing it into this
|
| or anger of a person. But, just a dream,
| |
| | room.""Understood," I said... "How was
|
| nothing I've told to anyone.Asside from
| |
| | your life?""I told you, good," she said,
|
| this one hobby of mine, I can admit that
| |
| | "I have this friend, Celine. She was
|
| I enjoy poetry. The resurrection as
| |
| | always so nice to me and admired the
|
| faded love through columns of words, I
| |
| | things I did. She could be a friend on
|
| can feel more free than I have ever
| |
| | mutual terms, too. She loved me so
|
| before. Perhaps itis the human instinct
| |
| | much.""I'm sure she still does then," I
|
| to seek out what we do not have. In
| |
| | replied, "Why use the past tense?" She
|
| poetry, nothing is written of the
| |
| | didn't answer."I'm leaving behind a son,"
|
| tringiness of the ghetto, the life and
| |
| | she replied finally."Oh?" I said,
|
| death horrors that every man in poverty
| |
| | surprised, as my eyes widened."He'll
|
| must face. Yes, poems about it are
| |
| | never know, though," she said."What do
|
| written, but not those prior to 1800.
| |
| | you mean?" I asked.She caressed her hand
|
| For the same reason I find necessity in
| |
| | over her stomach."You mean... you're
|
| trying to escape the hardened life of a
| |
| | pregnant?" I asked."Yeah," she said, "But
|
| drug dealer, I can see a yuppy reading
| |
| | only three weeks.""Is that the reason?" I
|
| "Treasure Island" or some other
| |
| | asked."No, she said, "I told you, I
|
| adventure-based novel. For myself, it is
| |
| | wouldn't let the reason enter this
|
| Thoreau, Tennyson, Shelley, Rousseau,
| |
| | room.""Okay," I said. I tried to reach
|
| Emerson -- anyone who put on paper some
| |
| | for something to say, some way to comfort
|
| thoughts that were original, creative,
| |
| | her. "Would you like to hear a poem?" I
|
| honest. Unlike my hope fo being an
| |
| | asked."Sure," she said. I brought out
|
| artist, this hobby of poetry was shared
| |
| | perhaps my most moving and emotion poem I
|
| and expressed with contemporaries. They
| |
| | have from the 1800's. It subtly touched
|
| seemed to regard it not with animosity,
| |
| | upon the points of happiness and sadness.
|
| particularly curiosity, uncomfortability,
| |
| | It subtly touched upon the points of
|
| or any other xenophobic thought, but they
| |
| | happiness and sadness. Every few months,
|
| just considered it as another part of who
| |
| | my most favored passage will change.
|
| I was. I suppose that it was the
| |
| | Maybe just its another poem, another
|
| tolerance all of us must have for each
| |
| | stanza, or another author altogether.
|
| other, under such horrible living and
| |
| | Here I read to her the pick of the
|
| working conditions. So, what a man does
| |
| | season."That was very nice," she said,
|
| in his own home, is his own to
| |
| | throwing at me a smile with closed,
|
| consider.In this line of life, I get a
| |
| | relaxed eyes, as one hand of hers rubber
|
| variety of awkward requests. For certain
| |
| | her forearm ently, turning her face away.
|
| chemicals, people request that it's not
| |
| | Maybe it was a crime, an indictment
|
| in getabs, but just in powder. Some
| |
| | against me, my character. In only two
|
| people want it dissolved in alcohol. PCP
| |
| | examples have I ever shared the poems of
|
| on Marijuana, freebased cocaine (crack),
| |
| | my heart with others. I none case, my
|
| freebased AMT, DMT,or DiPT. Or perhaps
| |
| | friend was going in to the military, and
|
| an intensified powder that will give
| |
| | would serve 2 years over seas. We
|
| potent effects by just being in the same
| |
| | hugged, thinking we may never see each
|
| room as it. There would be one day where
| |
| | other again. In that case, I didn't even
|
| I receive a very awkward request."I want
| |
| | read him a poem. I slipped a piece of
|
| you to make me die," she said.I've heard
| |
| | paper in to his pocket with a beautiful
|
| this before, but only from friends and
| |
| | poem written on it. And now, with Julia,
|
| colleagues who were witty. "Give me 20
| |
| | I have read her a poem. If I thought she
|
| hits of meth, and take a month off my
| |
| | would be alive in two hours, I wouldn't
|
| life." But, no, this girl knew who I
| |
| | have gone that far."Can you hold me?" she
|
| was, because she knew my customers, and
| |
| | asked.I stood up and walked over to the
|
| she wanted help in suicide."I don't
| |
| | bed, where she was sitting. "I can,"
|
| know," I said. I've been in fights
| |
| | said."Please, hold me, then," she said.
|
| before with people for trying to sell
| |
| | I put my arms around her and laid down.
|
| heroin in the wrong areas. Helping
| |
| | Slowly, sleep came to both of us, peace
|
| someone die might be just as
| |
| | in our minds.I would wake and feel her
|
| bad."Please," she said, "I know people
| |
| | skin. It was cold. Life,Punkerslut (or
|
| who told me you could help.""Look," I
| |
| | Andy Carloff) has been writing essays and
|
| said, "If you have a problem with your
| |
| | poetry on social issues which have caught
|
| parents, just try to settle it with them.
| |
| | his attention for several years. His
|
| If it's your boyfriend, get a new one.
| |
| | website provides a complete list of all
|
| I'm not interested in murdering anyone."
| |
| | of these writings. His life experience
|
| I let her know straight out that I didn't
| |
| | includes homelessness, squating in New
|
| want to partake in this and I wasn't
| |
| | Orleans and LA, dropping out of high
|
| being open-minded about it at
| |
| | school, getting expelled from college for
|
| all."Listen," I need a drug to kill me
| |
| | "subversive activities," and a myriad of
|
| and I need some place to take it," she
| |
| | other revolutionary actions.
|
| said."You want to take it in my
| |
| |
|
